I remember how my late bestfriend talked about this infinite loop of going through several diagnosis and finally accepting the illness he had. But after such acceptance, there are times, as I observed, that he would be mad again for his incapability to stay, at least with me and his family, and then again he would resort to grief, blaming himself over encountering such circumstance. I knew it, when he passed away, he told me about accepting his fate, that even though he is weak, he tried to pursue his own dream.
I thought I might feel better after three and a half days rest but no I don’t. It is sinking in what I am dealing with here. I have two illnesses, both of them awful in their own right. Neither will kill me, good, but both will make my life extremely difficult. Today I heated up and flared up and slept and then felt worse. Now, it is 2.30am and I am just feeling ok. I should be asleep now. I have plans in the morning. Fatigue and pain are tag teaming and sending me desperately crazy. How am I to continue like this? How am I to work like this? Where is that bloody book I ordered with all the answers (or so I hope)?
I am going to think about the stages of acceptance of an illness and how I am going to rise above all this illness…
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